Pregnancy blues

Some days are amazing!!  I wake up and look at my belly in the mirror and I am overwhelmed with how lucky I feel to soon be a mommy, who cares about the 20 pound weight gain thus far, or that I am slowly losing my ankles......I am the home to a growing baby and what can be better than that!!


And then there are the "Other Days"...................... 
(I was trying to find “depressing” font, who knew "depressing" was a hard emotion to capture in a font)

I'm on my way to work when someone in front of me slams on the breaks and causes my purse and lunch to fly off my front seat and coffee to spill all over my car..........I secretly wish I could shoot his tires out because this is obviously what he deserves.

I get to work and the coffee in the coffee pot (that I kindly cleaned for my co-worker last week despite that I don't drink coffee at work) is molding.......I want to tell them all they are filthy pigs and throw the entire coffee pot away to teach them a lesson.

That's how it starts.....

I sit at my desk and start thinking about how much I miss my husband since he is now out of town all week and wish I could just have him home at night just to talk to and cuddle up to on the couch. My eyes weld up with tears and I try to concentrate on something else so that I don't start bawling at my desk. I call him to say hi and tell him I love him but when he picks up the phone with a smile in his voice I immediately think he must not miss me at all judging by how happy he sounds.......

.........I decide to pick a fight (all the while telling myself not to) instead of telling him how much I love him and how I can't believe how much I miss him. 

On my lunch break I sit in my car and cry about everything and nothing at all.

I call Frankie to apologize after lunch and I'm thankful for a husband that will so easily accept my apology and tell me he loves me.

I still feel the slight frustration lingering that I can't quite explain but try to ignore it.......

I decide to socialize with my co-workers around 2 pm since I no longer feel like I hate them all and spend the rest of the afternoon feeling halfway normal.

I get in the car to go home and start thinking about my frustration about my deteriorating relationship with my father, my doubts as a mom-to-be, my empty house I am going home to, my fears that my body is stretching far beyond its limits and that my husband may never find me attractive again, the fear that what if one day he gets in a car accident 3 hours away and I am left all alone to raise our baby without him.......each thought making the next more dramatic.....I start sobbing uncontrollably through my 30 minute drive home.


It's hard to recognize I think, and a little embarrassing to admit but I think I may have a touch of depression and even some anxiety during this pregnancy (gasp!).  It's something I never even considered prior to getting pregnant or even when I did get pregnant. Since it took us so long to get pregnant that I never imagined I would feel like this, I figured I would be so grateful if I ever did get pregnant that I would spend the entire 9 months in complete euphoria........ahhhh hahaha!!....maybe those very unrealistic thoughts are what caused this in the first place.  It's not constant and it's not even more frequent than not (thankfully!!)......it comes on more when I least expect it. It comes on so quickly and intensely that I don't even have time to process what is going on.....to let my rational self take 5 minutes to go on a walk or warn my husband or to remind myself that maybe I am not being rational.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared of how my body is going to betray me after I have this baby, that I wasn't a little terrified that I will be more prone to postpartum depression and it will sabotage the precious moments to enjoy with my newborn.

So I'm doing my best at trying to recognize when I need to take a moment to myself, take a deep breath, warn my husband I am feeling frustrated, or self-conscious, or just overwhelmed. Just being aware of it has made things easier already.......and I'm sure I'm not the first, nor will I be the last mommy-to-be with this issue.