Where have I been??

......honestly who knows!!  I can't believe what a slacker I have been when it comes to my blog. Last post was October!!.....and here we are a week away from December! Unbelievable!  I am 32 weeks today!! Time is starting to really fly by now and as much as I am ready to have my body back and be able to bend and move like I used to and see my little girl and hold her, a part of me is starting to feel sad that soon this pregnancy will be over. It took us awhile to get pregnant and although our plan is to have 2 children, I also know that with fertility treatment costs and stress that our priorities may change when we have a little one to care for and this may be the first and last time I get to feel a growing baby in my belly. As much as I have been moaning and groaning about pregnancy lately (oh and believe me it's a lot!!), I feel so so lucky and blessed to get to experience being pregnant and I love snuggling on the couch with Frankie at night and having him rest his hand on my belly to feel Olivia moving around....I'll miss that. She has already proven to be a daddy's girl, kicking every time he puts his hand on my belly and not giving anyone else the privilege of feeling her. I am 100% sure that she knows when it's his hand and the other night as he was lightly massaging my belly she would curl up wherever his hand was and push herself against his hand....truly amazing and adorable.

The second weekend of November my mom through me a amazing baby shower at my house. She went above and beyond and did such a great job! My little living room was packed with 24 friends and family and we had a great time and ate yummy food.......Olivia was spoiled by everyone and according to my hubby may quite possibly be the best dressed baby in the world.  My mother-in-law got to fly out for the shower and it was very special having her get to be a part of it.

Our nursery is coming together and almost finished at this point. I promise to get some pictures of it up soon. Ellen, my mother-in-law, got us the crib bed set we wanted and I love it even more in person then I did online!

Obviously not our nursery but here's what the online picture looks like

This last Sunday we went and had some maternity photos done and we got to look at a couple as a sneak peak last night......and although my face obviously is now pregnant with the rest of me, I am very happy with how they turned out and excited to see the rest soon. Here's the little sample we got to view. 

Tonight marks the last night of our birthing classes, it has been a lot of fun and I'm so glad we decided to do them. I feel better preparded for labor after the 7 weeks of class.

And speaking of labor....it has never been something that has made me nervous at all......until now!! I find myself getting more and more anxious as the time approaches and starting to doubt myself when it comes to how tough I really am. My "plan" is a natural birth but I am also allowing myself to keep a very open mind and I am fully aware that the plan could change at any moment based on a number of variables....some of which I can't control. I have thought, until recently, that my plan would be a pretty easy goal to achieve but in the last few weeks (and after some midnight tummy cramps and discomforts) I am really questioning my ability to "tough it out".  I know that the pain is temporary and that there is a purpose to it all and that no one actually dies from the pain of labor, and that many years ago there was no option of pain medication or epidurals ........but it still scares me a little (or maybe even more than a little).  Hopefully my 3rd trimester jitters fade away in the weeks to come.

Getting dressed.........

…..SUCKS!!! I rarely enjoy getting dressed these days for multiple reasons.


Allow me to explain:


First, I am 6 months pregnant and I have quite the belly for a woman with still 15 weeks to go. I am officially not able to wear anything that is not a designated "maternity" clothing article. I can still get away with open throw sweaters but anything else is completely off limits, trust me I've tried and there is NO way....not the "long" tanks or tops (because what used to be considered "long" now shows off my belly, NOT cute!), not my "big" lounge pants or "fat" jeans, not my pajama pants (except one pair), and I'm embarrassed to say that even some of my hubbys T-shirts and shorts are just too tight for comfort. It's hard to feel cute when everything you wear is made of stretch material and even though I have bought quite a few things, the more I grow, the more I find myself with a very limited selection of clothing to pick from.

Second issue is that it literally hurts to put pants on....yep as in causes me physical pain to lift my leg and put it in the pant leg. I'm guessing this is due to my huge uterus putting strain on all the ligaments and joints in my nether regions and makes me feel like someone is kicking me in the crouch and ripping my leg off simultaneously. It's no fun though and causes me to grunt and make whining noises every morning while getting dressed.


Thirdly, I have to put a lot of thought into the current temperature and what types of climates I will be experiencing throughout the day due to my horrid hot flashes that cause me to sweat like a pig and want to rip all of my clothes off!! I mean REALLY?!?! Is it really necessary to have to endure hot flashes on top of everything else? I sweat in places I never knew sweat glands existed!  I still drive to work with my window cracked even though the thermostat in my car reads 50 degrees, I have a fan blowing at me at all times at my desk, and my husband (who used to complain it was always too hot in our house) is constantly saying how cold it is in our house when he comes home and over the last 2 weeks my poor dog is curled up in a ball on her bed shivering in the morning. I'm sorry everyone else will just have to dress in layers because a hot sweaty pregnant women makes for a very pissed off pregnant women and trust me you would all rather freeze!!


So normally this time of year I am in shopping mode. Fall reminds me of back to school shopping even though "school" shopping ended 10 years ago for me and I love the transition from flip flops to cozy new socks and cute boots and accessorizing scarves but this year it's just not the same. I was soooo excited to shop for maternity clothes when I first started to develop my little bump but now I find myself mourning the loss of my pre-pregnancy wardrobe and when I hold up my cute shirts and jeans I am in disbelief that they will ever fit my body again.

I'm torn......

I'm torn on whether I want to speed time up or slow it down!!! I am 25 weeks pregnant as of today!! Which means only 15 more weeks until my due date!! AHHHHHHHHH...........

I am so, so, so excited to meet this little kick boxer in my belly but since I am a crazy perfectionist I want everything to be in perfect order before she arrives. Some days I want to fast forward to January and hold our baby girl and be done with the frequent bathroom trips and enjoy just a small glass of wine...... and other days I love rubbing my HUGE (I mean really....can it really get any bigger?!?!) belly and feeling the little kicks and hiccups. This pregnancy has been going surprisingly quickly and it seems like just last month we were finding out we were pregnant.

Next week we start our birth classes and I am so excited about them! Although I am really not intimidated by labor (because I feel like it's a natural process that women have been doing since the beginning of time.....BUT please don't quote me on this later because it's quite possible I may change my mind and be scared as hell later, haha) I think the classes will give me some more confidence and give me a better idea of what to expect. I am looking forward to them for Frankie also. I think it will be helpful to him to know what to expect so that he doesn't think I am literally dying in the middle of labor, haha.  I am planning a natural birth but open to the possibility that things don't always go as planned and although I would like to experience it without an epidural I am not forbidding myself to have one if I change my mind either.  They also have infant care in the classes that I think will be helpful to my husband. I am pretty comfortable around newborns having spent 3+ years working in pediatrics and also time outside of work around babies but Frankie has always been a little apprehensive around babies and I think it will be nice for him to have some increased confidence and I'm sure I'm not beyond learning something new as well!! I think it will be nice for him to learn some tips prior to the baby coming so that he can feel a little more independent about being a new daddy.

Regardless of classes or not I am 100% sure my hubby will make a amazing father!!  What a lucky little girl.

Pregnancy blues

Some days are amazing!!  I wake up and look at my belly in the mirror and I am overwhelmed with how lucky I feel to soon be a mommy, who cares about the 20 pound weight gain thus far, or that I am slowly losing my ankles......I am the home to a growing baby and what can be better than that!!


And then there are the "Other Days"...................... 
(I was trying to find “depressing” font, who knew "depressing" was a hard emotion to capture in a font)

I'm on my way to work when someone in front of me slams on the breaks and causes my purse and lunch to fly off my front seat and coffee to spill all over my car..........I secretly wish I could shoot his tires out because this is obviously what he deserves.

I get to work and the coffee in the coffee pot (that I kindly cleaned for my co-worker last week despite that I don't drink coffee at work) is molding.......I want to tell them all they are filthy pigs and throw the entire coffee pot away to teach them a lesson.

That's how it starts.....

I sit at my desk and start thinking about how much I miss my husband since he is now out of town all week and wish I could just have him home at night just to talk to and cuddle up to on the couch. My eyes weld up with tears and I try to concentrate on something else so that I don't start bawling at my desk. I call him to say hi and tell him I love him but when he picks up the phone with a smile in his voice I immediately think he must not miss me at all judging by how happy he sounds.......

.........I decide to pick a fight (all the while telling myself not to) instead of telling him how much I love him and how I can't believe how much I miss him. 

On my lunch break I sit in my car and cry about everything and nothing at all.

I call Frankie to apologize after lunch and I'm thankful for a husband that will so easily accept my apology and tell me he loves me.

I still feel the slight frustration lingering that I can't quite explain but try to ignore it.......

I decide to socialize with my co-workers around 2 pm since I no longer feel like I hate them all and spend the rest of the afternoon feeling halfway normal.

I get in the car to go home and start thinking about my frustration about my deteriorating relationship with my father, my doubts as a mom-to-be, my empty house I am going home to, my fears that my body is stretching far beyond its limits and that my husband may never find me attractive again, the fear that what if one day he gets in a car accident 3 hours away and I am left all alone to raise our baby without him.......each thought making the next more dramatic.....I start sobbing uncontrollably through my 30 minute drive home.


It's hard to recognize I think, and a little embarrassing to admit but I think I may have a touch of depression and even some anxiety during this pregnancy (gasp!).  It's something I never even considered prior to getting pregnant or even when I did get pregnant. Since it took us so long to get pregnant that I never imagined I would feel like this, I figured I would be so grateful if I ever did get pregnant that I would spend the entire 9 months in complete euphoria........ahhhh hahaha!!....maybe those very unrealistic thoughts are what caused this in the first place.  It's not constant and it's not even more frequent than not (thankfully!!)......it comes on more when I least expect it. It comes on so quickly and intensely that I don't even have time to process what is going on.....to let my rational self take 5 minutes to go on a walk or warn my husband or to remind myself that maybe I am not being rational.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared of how my body is going to betray me after I have this baby, that I wasn't a little terrified that I will be more prone to postpartum depression and it will sabotage the precious moments to enjoy with my newborn.

So I'm doing my best at trying to recognize when I need to take a moment to myself, take a deep breath, warn my husband I am feeling frustrated, or self-conscious, or just overwhelmed. Just being aware of it has made things easier already.......and I'm sure I'm not the first, nor will I be the last mommy-to-be with this issue.

Operation ....Home improvement

This weekend was very productive. Frankie finally made it home to sleep in our bed for 3 consecutive nights and that in itself would have made for a successful weekend as far as I was concerned.

Instead of spending the weekend relaxing though we opted to tackle our very first REAL home improvement project......replacing our living room flooring.  I was very intimidated by the idea of our project but very ready for the end result. So early Saturday we began ripping up our old flooring, which took much less time than I had anticipated. A couple hours later we were in route to Home Depot to rent a miter saw and go home and start putting in the new floor. THIS is where my anxiety started to kick in........ I love, love, my husband BUT he is just not a do-it-yourself  handyman type of a guy by nature and neither of us had ever used this type of equipment before and it was huge and intimidating.  That said....maybe it's that we are finally learning how to communicate, maybe it’s that we hadn't been around each other in a couple weeks and had missed each other, maybe it's that we felt we couldn't/shouldn't try to throw the hammer at the other one because I am with child and the baby might have known........whatever the reason, it doesn't matter.....because we actually worked as a team!! (and a damn good one I must say), and we finished the entire floor, furniture moved back in, house clean and beautiful, equipment returned and a dump run by 8pm on Sunday. We might have been a little saw dust covered and battered but we did it. It was actually a huge feeling of accomplishment and it turned out so beautiful! I am pretty proud of us. 

This picture isn't the best because it came from my phone and I didn’t think to take a "before” picture but let me assure you it is a huge improvement!

Half way there!!

I am 20 weeks today and I have to be honest and say......I absolutely love being pregnant!! It has its moments, don't get me wrong and there was a time in the beginning when I was nauseous and barley had energy to get out of bed that I sobbed to my husband that I wasn't sure if I wanted to be pregnant anymore.....I can't believe I ever said that now. I am head over heels in love with my little one already and can't imagine not getting to experience EVERYTHING that pregnancy brings. Overall I feel great! I am having some slight discomfort at night trying to get comfortable and I think I may have some mild Braxton Hicks contractions but nothing that I can't handle and I actually feel pretty lucky to be feeling so good.

~20 week belly~

We had out 18 week ultrasound on 8-18-11 and we are so proud to say we are having a little.....girl!! 
We are 99% set on the name, Olivia Lin.
When the tech was performing the ultrasound and said she knew what the sex was......followed by a long pause........I started tearing up instantly and knew that boy or girl it didn't make a difference in the world as long as the baby was healthy.....and she is very healthy and perfect in every way. I even got to count all five fingers on her tiny hand via the ultrasound!

In true "Holly" style I instantly started the shopping frenzy and bought her a outfit the night of the ultrasound, when I got home from work that day to let my husband know we were operation shopping I was surprised to find out he had bought her a little outfit already that said "daddy's cutie"......I held back the tears but it made me want to cry seeing how excited he was too. The shopping has continued since that day and I am currently putting myself in shopping timeout for a little while....at least until I see a deal that couldn't possibly be ignored.....hehe.

This little one is quite the mover and in the last 2 weeks I have REALLY been feeling her move around. Kicks on the right side and seconds later more kicks on the left. Most days she is active from almost the time I wake up until a few hours before I go to bed……already on mommy’s schedule, what a good girl. Most recently today I started to be able really feel some movement from the outside also and I cannot wait until Frankie gets to feel her moving around in there!

Frankie is officially back on a carrier in Bremerton and  the ship doesn't pull into its homeport, Everett, until December. After some research we found that it would be practically impossible for him to commute back and forth daily and I'm sad to say that he is staying in Bremerton Mon-Fri and is only able to come home on the weekends. I didn't think it would be so bad, I mean we both work all week anyway so we really only see each other for awhile before it's off to bed.......I really took for granted those couple hours and unconscious moments he was around me.  I miss him soooooo much. This will be week 3 and I have spent a good majority of that time crying. I depend on my husband more than I thought.....and not depend on him in a way that I can't get things done without him, but emotionally I count on him to come home to at the end of a hard day and to sleep next to at night.....yes even with the TV light's blaring & causing me insomnia and him stealing the covers and the fact that he lets the dog on the bed, I miss it all. His schedule is still up in the air and even though there is a "schedule" things rarely stay the same when planned for months down the road. Regardless, the fact that he is gone all week was nothing compared to the blow that the schedule that is currently out says he has to deploy for a month the day before my due date. I can’t and won't imagine giving birth to our child without my husband by my side....I know women have to do it all the time and I know that we choose this lifestyle but I'm not most women, and I would never "choose" this.  We choose to give ourselves and our children the best future we could and nothing comes without some cons but this is one I cannot live with. I am praying and hoping that we end up not having to worry about any of this and that the schedule changes. In the instance it does not, Frankie is requesting to stay behind, (sometimes that works, sometimes not) and if that fails I will ask to be induced a little early (even though I really wanted to avoid being induced at all costs) as long as it wouldn’t put the baby at risk of course.

I am not going to spend the next 20 weeks dwelling on what “could happen” so I am going to continue to enjoy ever little moment of this pregnancy and my time with my handsome husband.  

Belly touchers......

It amazes me how many people have walked up to me over the last few weeks and touched my belly!
To be honest it hasn't really bothered me, although I thought it would. I haven't had a complete stranger do the belly touch yet and I'm pretty sure when that day comes I will be a little uneasy......I am not a big fan at all of the stranger hug or shoulder squeeze (both of which you get a lot from patient's working at a medical office), so I can't imagine I will be fond of the complete stranger belly touch. I don't mind at all when good friends or family touch my belly but it has really surprised me how many people who work at the clinic I do, whom I don't know that well at all (I work for a large company), walk up to me smile and then just reach out and touch my belly. I can't imagine in a million years doing that without permission to anyone other than my very close friends, and even with my best friend, that I have known since we were in elementary school, I was hesitant to over step my boundaries and constantly touch her belly without the green light. Again though, I honestly have not minded....it just surprises me. 

I figure I must be starting to show a little more over the past couple weeks since I have had 2 people (one a complete stranger) ask how far along I am. Hahaha, that being said....... I am still pretty confident that I am going to be the world's largest pregnant women and they will have to lift my newborn out with a crane after having me brought to the hospital on a large semi-truck bed.  But really on a serious note I have already gained 14 pounds and I am currently only 17 weeks! Hopefully the weight gain will even out a little at some point since my plan was to not gain more than 30 pounds. I vaguely remember a blog on here prior to getting pregnant about losing weight and getting in shape prior to becoming pregnant.....unfortunately that never did go as planned and I started this pregnancy off a little heavier than I would have liked. I guess that's just life though and now I will just have to embrace every pound gained (within reason!!) as a sign my little be-be is healthy. I don't want to be a overweight momma and I want to set a good example of health to my kids so I am going to work really hard on getting in shape after this pregnancy.

I am feeling really good lately. It continues to amaze me how much my body changes even on a daily basis and there are some minor aches and pains and strange happenings along the way but all and all I have to say I am feeling really good, I fell healthy and my energy level seems to be really good lately. I am having a lot of fun buying some baby things and just being in the moment and enjoying this pregnancy. In 9 days we find out if we will welcome a little baby boy or a little baby girl.......then the fun really starts!!

Garage sale madness!

This past weekend we put on our first ever garage sale.

In getting ready for the baby, it has become quite apparent that we just have too much stuff! So I figured instead of packing it all up and taking it to the Goodwill we might as well try to make some money off it that we could put toward the nursery. Most of what we had wasn't worth much and we didn't have a whole lot of furniture or other big ticket items so I was expecting to make only a minimal amount but though that it would be fun regardless. We are both new to putting on garage sales but Frankie is pretty new to the concept of garage sales and at one point suggested we hand out free water and soda to people when they came....ahhhh my husband, so polite but obviously missing the point that our objective was to make money not spend it!

We opened up around 9:30am and immediately the crowds starting coming. The clothes became a instant hit, much to my surprise, that was the one thing I was sure wasn't going to make us any money.  We even got visits from my mom and our friend Meghan, both of who helped contribute towards our profit by buying a few things. By 3:30 the traffic had started to really slow down and we were quickly running out of things so we decided to call it a day.  Our grand total $220! That is in addition to the $90 cash I had made the week prior selling some things on our work classifieds. We decided to not have the garage sale on Sunday since there wasn't much left and went to IKEA to spend our earnings on a changing table and bookshelf for the nursery, and also some new pillows for the couch and a coat rack for the entry way.....and we still have leftover $ to go to the next baby necessity.

Quite the productive weekend.

2 years ago......

2 years ago.......two years ago Frankie and me said our vows to each other on July 18th 2009, it was also when we started our journey in trying to start our family. Life was perfect. 


I came home from our honeymoon with a tan, madly in love, with a mild handover and recovering from paradise and thought we might have a surprise honeymoon baby.....when we found out otherwise it confirmed all our doubts about waiting or not waiting to start our family. We both wanted a baby.


Looking back now, I am glad we had the opportunity to enjoy those two years as newly weds before getting pregnant. We enjoyed each other, we bought our first home, brand new, and got to pick out everything for it and watch it be built from the ground up. We joined a wine club after Frankie discovered he really liked wine on our honeymoon, we took vacations, we laughed together, cried, and learned a lot. It wasn't always perfect and the disappointment of trying to get pregnant was sometimes unbearable but we got through it....together. I think those two years made us stronger. I think it will make us better parents and has made us better spouses. It has, without a doubt, made us so very grateful for the little be-be in my belly today.

Two years ago was one of the best times of my life....and now we are getting to experience another wonderful chapter in our lives.



On our two year anniversary this year we took what might be our last trip together for awhile. We went to the Washington Coast and stayed in Pacific Beach, about 20 minutes North of Ocean Shores. Frankie had never been to the Washington Coast and I had not been in years so it was kind of new to both of us. We were lucky enough to have some very nice weather on our Anniversary day and spent all day at the beach and in Ocean Shores and also took a little drive to Quinault Lake and a short hike in the rain forest. It was a wonderful trip.

Can you see that belly peaking out?

Chinese Gender Prediction......

Say's we will be team......PINK!  I guess we'll wait and see.

11 weeks

I know, I know....this pregnancy has turned me into a slacker blogger. If it makes you feel any better, it's not only blogging that isn't getting done lately, it's everything in my life. I am usually a very high energy person that likes to be constantly busy and doing something.....haha oh how THAT has changed! There have been more and more days lately that I have had more energy and some days I even feel almost normal again, but it's still the exception rather that the rule. 

I am 11 weeks and 3 days prego today! Which means I am less than a week away from my 2nd trimester!  Our little bean is measuring a little over 2 inches.  Our first appointment with my new OB was on 6-28-11 and we got to have our 2nd ultrasound! It was crazy how much had changed in just 3 weeks. Our be-be was complete with little legs that were kicking and waving arms. We could make out little features like eyes and mouth on the face and got to see the heartbeat. The doctor announced that everything looked perfect....our little overachiever!

My belly popped last week.....I still feel like I look like I just ate too much but I went from looking like I ate a little too much to looking like I cleared out a buffet restaurant. My husband says I look cute and I don't look fat, just pregnant, but I also know that he is secretly afraid of what might happen if he says the wrong thing. My friend Meghan saw me last Wednesday and then I went to her house a few days later early Saturday morning and her jaw literally dropped when she opened the front door.....ha ha which prompted instant tears for me. I'm going to be sooooo HUGE!! Yes I do have pictures and no I have not decided if I am okay posting them since I haven't found that perfect pose that doesn't make me look like a cow. I promise I'll post one very soon. ...............And yes, I realize I never posted my ultrasound pictures and that I am not only a slacker but a liar and I promise to redeem my blogging status this weekend.

We are in the process of picking out all our big ticket baby items so we can start to slowly accumulate. I am finding that I have expensive taste in baby items and since my husband seems to share my expensive baby taste it keeps the guilt at bay for what I add to our wish list on a daily basis but is costing us a pretty penny for "necessities".  I'm getting more and more anxious to know the sex of the baby everyday. I just want to go out and but a adorable baby outfit and as far as gender neutral stuff is concerned....it is very hard to find anything that is adorable.  Only 7 more weeks until we find out!

A break from hibernation for a update!

Yes I am still alive and still pregnant....9 weeks today or 9 weeks and 3 days depending on which due date we're following....I need to confirm that when I meet with my OB next week.  I spoke too soon after my last post and that following Monday woke up with horrible nausea and some gagging, YUCK! That continued for about 2 1/2 weeks NONSTOP and now finally seems to be tapering off and I am now only occasionally nauseous, THANK GOD! 

We had our first ultrasound at 7 weeks and it showed ONE healthy little baby that resembled a bean.  It was the cutest damn bean I have ever seen! We got to see the heartbeat, which was 127 bpm. The doctor that preformed the ultrasound said that everything looked perfect! Words to our ears! I will post the picture later since I am using company time to type this blog and don't have my picture with me. Our second ultrasound is scheduled for next Wednesday and we should also get to hear the heartbeat by then....I think.

I continue to sleep the majority of my life away and I am constantly amazed by how tired I can seem to be no matter how much I sleep....and let me tell you I SLEEP!  I have already purchased a couple pairs of maternity pants because I am so bloated that most days mine do not button.  My tummy is a little pouched out but it's all bloating......I'm proud to report I haven't gained any weight yet (although I'm sure like the morning sickness comment I have just jinxed myself).

A friend of mine emailed me today, we used to work together but she recently transferred to another department and she wanted to know how's life and how things were going....she felt like she was missing so much.  Here was my response:

Life is good….pretty boring really. I promise you aren’t missing much about me right now….haha I don’t really do anything. No good stories, I mean there’s not much to talk about when you sleep through life. I’m looking forward to that wonderful day that all past pregnant women talk about where you wake up one morning and magically have energy again….ahhhhh I can’t wait! But ya for the most part I come to work, ignore most everything going on around me, go home lay on the couch waiting for Frankie to get home (probably fall asleep), eat dinner that Frankie makes me J, go upstairs to sleep when Frankie wakes me from my post-dinner coma from the couch…..Rinse and repeat. I looked outside my window yesterday on my way upstairs to take a nap and noticed that my mulch around my yard has about a million different varieties of weeds growing everywhere….it bothered me for a moment so I shut the blinds and waited until it got a little darker to open them again. I’m pathetic! I’m considering letting my husband rent out a exclusive and thoroughly tested prostitute as long as he promises not to fall in love with her because well….. let’s just say if I was on MTV cribs I would not announce that “this is where the magic happens” when the tour of our bedroom began. Right now as I type this I continue to burp up Fish vitamins….GROSS!!

So ya that's pretty much what is going on with me lately.

My husband continues to be the most amazing man I have ever known in my entire life, and I really do mean that. He has been so patient and understanding....I'm sure it has to be hard for men to understand why your usually "full of life" wife is suddenly unconscious 90% of the time, it's hard for ME to understand but I am just too busy sleeping to give it much thought.  There are some days I am afraid my pregnancy is going to make him fall out of love with me because he'll wake up one day and be tired of hearing me complain, sleep, and get fat....that's probably the hormones talking.

I love love love being pregnant....I love it because of how amazing it is that we created another life and now my body is capable of protecting that little life and letting it grow for the next 7 months. I love it because I am so excited to be a "mommy" and watch my husband be a "daddy" and to watch us turn into a family.  Pregnancy, I'm finding though, is not all cute bellies, and baby names......this has not been a "easy" 9 weeks. It has been a little tough at times and not without tears but I am still so happy and grateful to be pregnant and I know it will get easier in some ways and harder in others and all worth it in the end.

5 weeks, 1 day

Yep, I am 5 weeks and 1 day pregnant today! It's still incredibly surreal, we have been trying for almost 2 years to get here and then it happens and now I'm not sure what to do with myself.

Overall I have been feeling really good, although my body has definitely informed me something new is taking place. I think it's too early in the game to make the bold statement that I am not a victim of morning sickness....but so far so good.  I am however the victim of overwhelming fatigue that strikes at 1:30pm on the dot everyday (and I mean some major FA-TIGUE! It's like I have bricks on my eyelids and my body feels 100 lbs heavier)....followed by 4 am insomnia. I have a few other little things that kindly remind me that I am indeed pregnant but I really can't complain too much and I am hoping it stays that way.......I am so so grateful to be pregnant though that I am prepared to embrace every symptom that comes my way! Haha, at least that's what I say now.

Ok now for the sappy stuff..........
My husband, Frankie, has been amazing. I have been a emotional wreak this last week (to put it lightly), I think it's half hormones and half the overwhelming changes to our lives overnight......he has shown me incredible understanding and compassion that I really needed. I have never appreciated him quite as much as I have in the last week and a half. Earlier this week he came home with a sweet card and a pregnancy book. It is really nice to see him get excited about us being pregnant, it makes me so happy and so grateful.

Less than 2 weeks until our first ultrasound!

Where did we leave off?

Well lets see where did we leave off?  Oh yes, the lovely cramps I woke up to on Mother's Day morning.  That was a less than nice surprise.

I had so many adorable ideas if I was pregnant this month.....one of them being to tell my mom and mother-in-law that they were going to be grandma's....no suck luck. Mother's Day came and went and I didn't get to share that news.  My husbands 29th birthday is the 14th of this month also and I was planning on taking a test and if it was positive keeping it a secret until his birthday and then wrapping up a little newborn onesie that reads "I love my daddy" or something equally corny and cute.  I mean when you have been trying for almost 2 years you have a lot of time to think about these things.....all the cute ways you'll tell everyone, how you'll surprise your husband with a candlelit dinner and a positive pregnancy test. 



But........





the reality is on Monday when I saw this....................

All I could do was this......................

This isn't really from the day but I promise my reaction was similar with a few tears added, some intense shaking causing it to be difficult to even call my husband and a couple screams that had my dog a little concerned.

And sing this.....................

"Finally it has happened to me
Right in front of my face
My feelings can't describe it

Finally it has happened to me
Right in front of my face
And I just cannot hide it

Finally
Ooooooooh finally yeah yeah
Oh....................."

That was 2 days ago and pretty much everyone knows already.  I know, I know....you're suppose to wait until you're at least 12 weeks along in case anything happens. The problem with that is our family, friends, co-workers, friends of friends and even some complete strangers have become quite invested in our fertility struggles so we get questioned about it frequently.....for me daily. So it is hard to keep it a secret when everyone knows we are mid fertility treatment. To be honest I wasn't even quite aware of how much people were rooting for us until I started sharing the news.....the response was heartwarming and really special.......hugs, tears, jumping up and down, singing and some LOUD screams. It made me glad we choose to let people know this soon because anyone that is that happy for us to get pregnant, I want them to be there if *god forbid* something goes wrong.  My husband, Frankie (his name has been a blog secret until now!) is just as excited and happy as I am. When he says goodnight or goodbye he now says "I love you both". I am so excited to see him as a daddy!  My best friend, Meghan, who is a mommy to a very adorable 9 month little girl, has already got me the What to Expect When You're Expecting book. I have wanted to own that book foooorrreverrrr but wanted it to be something I got only after I knew I was pregnant. The first chapter is "before you conceive".........ya I think I could have a Masters degree in that chapter thank you.....skip!!

So I'm currently on cloud 9 and feeling great. I don't feel "pregnant" but I do feel a little different....I have been having some slight cramping (which I was told is perfectly normal) and "twinges" and I feel just slightly "off" but I am embracing every bit of it. I had a beta HCG lab draw yesterday to confirm what the 4 different home pregnancy tests (all 4 different brands because I didn't believe my eyes until the 4th one) told me.....I am indeed pregnant.  My beta level at 11 dpiui (days past IUI) was 62.5, which the nurse at my RE's office said was great since most people won't even have a positive test yet. My book tells me it should be anywhere from 5-50 at 3 weeks and I am 3 weeks, 6 days today.  I have another repeat beta on Friday to make sure my levels are doubling every 48 hours.  At 7 weeks I will have my first ultrasound and then my RE will release me to OB care.  I have fingers TIGHTLY crossed and saying my prayers that everything goes great and we have a healthy 9 months followed by a healthy baby.  I will admit it is a little nerve racking and I hope once I get my second beta level and hear the heartbeat I can relax a little......but I don't think we will be able to hear the heartbeat until 10 weeks, 6 more weeks.

I took some belly pictures today just for comparison later.  I assure you any lumps and bumps you see are au naturale.....currently what is in my tummy is only the size of a poopy seed.  We'll call this 4 weeks (since tomorrow is technically 4 weeks).

Don't judge my sweat pants it's 7:30am and my day off.

Well looks like hopefully this blog is going to be a pregnancy blog, at least until around 1-19-11.....my estimated due date.

  

10 dpiui

Well I guess I should have watched what I wish for....I feel something now....and that something is cramps!
I woke up this morning with cramps. I'm assuming that means my period is on it's way......and possibly early. 

SHIT.

Not exactly what I had in mind for "Mother's" day.    Figures.

I feel....NOTHING!

So today is officially 8 dpiui ("days past IUI" for you rookies) and I feel nothing! For about the first 5 days after my IUI I was so so so bloated, so so so tired.....  (for example: we went to a friends last weekend on Saturday night to watch the UFC fight, at the request of my hubby, and there was a very FULL and very LOUD house full of people and there I was falling asleep on the couch)  ......and feeling so so not normal. I was consistently running a fever everyday but no signs of being "sick", huge boobs, HUGE bloated tummy, and a touch of narcolepsy. Then I woke up on Wednesday and ........NOTHING.  I felt great! Had a ton of energy, clothes fitting wonderful with no more 4 month pregnant tummy.

Feeling good has never been so disappointing.  Because I'm sure pregnancy should feel....I don't know, like something right?  I mean shouldn't I be throwing up on myself or running to the bathroom to pee every 5 mins, or eating rocky road and pickle sundaes?? I know that's not realistic and I know sooooo many people don't really "feel" pregnant until a little later but I have always imagined when I got pregnant I would just KNOW....I find it hard to believe I wouldn't.

So I am pretty sure I had a touch of OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome). This is common among women taking fertility medication and although Clomid has a lower risk of OHSS, since I already ovulate and have normal hormone levels without medication the Clomid just increases everything. I had a feeling that is what all my symptoms were from (since obviously I can't have pregnancy symptoms the first 5 days after IUI but a girl can hope right??!!) and I am suppose to contact my RE if I have any symptoms of OSHH but I opted not too since I knew my situation wasn't severe so they won't really do anything other then monitor me and make me have a million ultrasounds at $125 a pop,  so not thank you I'll be just fine.

I went to the dollar store yesterday and bought 5 pregnancy tests....yes 5! And I will probably take a test everyday until it either becomes positive or my lovely period arrives...(because I'm crraaaaazz-yea, but crazy in a fun way, not like a lock me up in a padded room sorta way) which means I very well may be making another trip to the dollar store soon. And in case you're wondering yes the dollar store pregnancy tests really do work, I've done a ton of research on them and they work almost as well as the First Response tests that cost considerably more.  I have never had a false positive with them but HAVE had false positives with Clearblue dye tests.....and they are EX-PEN-SIVE! They have horrible evaporation lines that show up almost instantly and since they are blue dye tests it is hard to tell if they are faint blue lines or grey evaporation lines. In fact any blue dye tests are horrible, I had a false positive with another brand (can't remember which one) that even my husband was convinced was a positive.....Much to our disappointment a First Response showed not even a shadow of a line and that day I swore off blue dye tests forever.

On a happy note throughout all of my possible pregnancy anxiety I have kept a pretty positive attitude and I am still holding out hope for a miracle!  The hubby and me had a great weekend this last weekend, the weather was gorgeous (which is miracle all in it's self in Washington) and so we had a play day downtown Seattle followed by a productive day on Sunday in the garden.  On Wednesday I got to spend another sunny day with my mom in Snohomish, a cute little town filled with adorable boutiques and fun antique stores. It was her 57th birthday (if she knew I was announcing that on my blog I'm sure she'd kill me! If you ever read this... sorry mom, love you!!) and I only hope that at her age I look half as good. Maybe for Mother's day (in 2 days) I will be able to tell her she's going to be a grandma.....one can hope, because how cute would that be?!

1 day pregnant?

The eagle has landed.....or should I say the 18.7 million sperm (good number!!) have been placed directly in my uterus! 

I am potentially 1 day pregnant today!

The procedure went surprisingly smooth.  I had minimal pain compared to last time and although I did have cramping throughout the day it was manageable.
Only one issue......I have a small (and paranoid) bladder, if i am going to be in any situation where I am unable to use the bathroom I immediately have to pee. It's ridiculous really......on road trips i am unable to drink anything or we will be stopping every 10 miles. Anyway.....so I get in the room and immediately realize I should have used the bathroom. So I go out in the hallway and head for the bathroom and get ambushed by the nurse in the hallway who tells me I cannot use the bathroom.  WHAT! Apparently when your bladder is full you cervix's curves and kinks straighten out making it much easier to insert the catheter. Well let me tell you that laying down with your feet in stirrups with a speculum in you and a catheter in your cervix is uncomfortable enough without having to pee!!  And then your suppose to relax!?!?  Listen!.....if I relax too much I may very well pee on you so lets just do the damn thing already. Anyway turns out the full bladder is the reason the IUI didn't hurt as much so I was actually thankful for the nurses warning....in hindsight.

I'm officially losing my mind and it's only 1 day after the IUI, actually to be honest the crazy in me started yesterday.  On our way to dinner I saw a rainbow......I took this as a positive sign, it must mean that this is our month! So then last night we're watching Deadliest Catch (the crab fishing show in case you're not familiar) and they also saw a rainbow minutes before they pulled up the crab pot and they (lunging at hope, like myself) thought that this must be a good sign.......so then they show the crab pot slowly being pulled up and.........NO CRAB!! Damn f-ing lying rainbow!!  So this is when the crazy starts....maybe my rainbow was lying also!?!?!  Then I was thinking maybe since the procedure went so well that it is a good sign that we will have a good outcome....then I recall that a co-worker whom is currently pregnant as a result of IUI said her IUI was much more painful then the others when she became pregnant. .........see told you I was losing it! Soon I'll be walking around having conversations with my uterus.  If I thought it would help I would!!

Regardless of the outcome of this month I feel good about it. I know we gave it a great shot this month and that makes me happy.

Tomorrow!

So I took my ovulation test today and got a.........



Which means tomorrow is IUI day!!

I'm excited and nervous at the same time.......... It's going to be a anxious 2 weeks!

ABC's of infertility... and a update!

My husband was being nosey one day and looking over my shoulder while I was typing in a infertility discussion board and thought the use of all the acronyms was hilarious. So this list is dedicated to my hubby (who reads & stalks my blog). 

2WW: Two-week wait (until you can take a pregnancy test)
AF: Aunt Flo(w), your period (menses)
BBT: Basal Body Temperature
BD: Baby dance, sex
BFN: Big Fat Negative (test result)
BFP: Big Fat Positive (test result)
BMS: Baby-making sex
CB: Cycle Buddy (someone who shares the same menstrual cycle/ovulation dates)
CD: Cycle day
CF: Cervical fluid
CL: Corpus luteum
CM: Cervical mucus
CP: Cervical position
CY: Cycle
DI: Donor Insemination
DP: "Dancing" partner; spouse or significant other
DPO: Days past ovulation
DTD: Doing the dance, sex
EW: Egg white (re: consistency of cervical mucus)
FMU: First morning urine
hCG: Human Chorionic Gonadotropin (pregnancy hormone)
HPT: Home Pregnancy Test
IF: Infertility
IUI: Intra-uterine Insemination
IVF: In Vitro Fertilization
LH: luteinizing hormone
LMP: Last Menstrual Period
LP: Luteal phase
O: Ovulation
OPK: Ovulation predictor kit
PCOS (POS): Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome
PG: Pregnancy, pregnant
SA: Sperm/semen analysis
TTC: Trying to conceive

So there it is. Betcha didn't know there so many.  Some of these seem a little ridiculous to me....for intense:  DP- "Dancing" partner......I think I'll start referring to my husband as my "dancing" partner in everyday conversation, haha.

So a little update.....today is the 11th day of this month’s cycle and I just finished my 5 days of Clomid without almost any side effects (just one afternoon of complete irrational irritation followed by crying over nothing)  I learned some very helpful information today that I am excited to share.  So I have had a bit of anxiety over missing my ovulation last month, it's caused me to worry that the same thing would happen this month and my fears were only validated when I used my fertility monitor this morning and got a high reading (It should not have been high yet!!).  Last month my readings were high from the first day I started testing and never dropped, even after a ultrasound confirmed I had already ovulated. So I became panic stricken and started obsessing on how it was going to be another month of no IUI for me. :-(

So this is how these monitors are suppose to work,  in case you are unfamiliar........you start testing typically on day 10 (or so) and the monitor has 3 results it will give you, low, high, and peak (meaning 24-36 hours before ovulation).  The first day you test you would normally get a low reading, a high reading would appear approx 2-5 days prior to the peak day.  A normal ovulation test tests Luteinizing Hormone (LH) surge which occurs approximately 24-36 hours prior to ovulation, it does not detect when fertility is high because it has no way to measure that.  A fertility monitor not only detects the LH surge and pinpoints your 2 Peak Fertility days, but also identifies typically up to 5 additional fertile days when you may conceive (High Fertility days) by detecting the rise in estrogen which occurs immediately before this LH surge. 

So what does everyone do when they have a medical concern......GOOGLE IT!  I should know better than this.....being a medical assistant and all.  I'm not going to lie though, the truth is that I have found out more about the birds and the bees in baby making through Google than through a doctor’s office so I am going to stay loyal to Dr. Google.  Well guess what I found out?!?! ...........................this is what the Clearblue website said:
"If you’re taking Clomid (clomiphene citrate), we advise you to consult your doctor for advice before using the Clearblue® Easy Fertility Monitor. Clomiphene citrate can raise estrogen levels and this may result in High Fertility being declared early in the cycle and more High Fertility days being displayed, and in some cases the Monitor may not show Peak Fertility even when ovulation occurs."

AH HA! So is there a reason my RE didn't bother to let me know this information?? I mean as the best reproductive clinic in the state shouldn't they have known this information?  Whatever, it just goes to show you really must be your own health advocate!  So the crappy news is that I am the owner of a $200 fertility monitor that is useless to me.....the good news is that I can use the regular ovulation kits from the drug store and since they don't measure estrogen the Clomid won't affect them!  Yea!! So I anticipate having my IUI sometime midweek next week. 

The blog sabbatical ends

I'm back from my blog sabbatical (aka my temper tantrum), I'm sure I was very missed. 

If you must know the truth my hiatus was due to my attention whore vagina.....yes that's right my vagina is a attention whore, along with my uterus, ovaries and the rest of the clan.

Please brace yourself for my pity party rant...........and the vagina talk because there will be a lot of it.....

So where did we last leave off?......I believe I was happily harvesting 3 beautiful little eggs and waiting ever so patiently for my lovely ovulation day.......well that is where the problem started......ovulation day never came and my little virus I had mentioned previously turned into a full blown sinus infection with a side of bronchitis. YUCK!  So I died on the couch for a few days, waited for my peak day to let me know ovulation was on the way (and if I haven't mentioned before...I use a $200 ovulation monitor to check for ovulation!), and started a second round of different antibiotics to bring me back to life. So on Tuesday when I was finally able to return back to work I called my RE's office to find out when my eggs should be descending.....they advised I get another ultrasound ($175) to see what is going on and then they could give me a HCG trigger injection ($65) to induce ovulation and I opted to wait it out a few more days and just hope my fertility monitor ($200 as you recall) would show me a peak day.  Wednesday I finally cave in and schedule a ultrasound for the next day they said if all looked good I could get a trigger injection that day and we would do the IUI the following morning. 

Fine. Whatever. At this point I just wanted to get on with it. 

There's something about joining the infertility world that makes undressing from the waist down and carrying on a conversation with people while having a intimidating ultrasound wand in your lady parts a part of normal everyday life, so much so that at times I have to remind myself that not everyone is comfortable hearing about whats going on with me from the uterus down outside the RE's office. Guess that's what this blog is for....lucky you.

So anyway there I am paper gown, intimidating wand, a RE I hadn't met before that was covering for my RE, and a monitor displaying my insides, .................and there, very clearly on my ovary where a nice round follicle use to be, was a exit hole. Imagine a banner that's held up prior to a football game and then the players come tearing through it and leaves nothing but a jagged edge hole in the middle of the banner.....that is what my ovary looked like....3 jagged little holes where 3 mature eggs had already made their decent.
I was crushed. Heartbroken. Pissed!!
It didn't seem fair, and it still doesn't to be honest.  We've waited and waited and tried and tried to get pregnant and we know that the first IUI probably isn't going to be "the one", in fact the odds that it will be are so small per single IUI that I refuse to even type it out....lets just say we were told we have a 50% chance of IUI being successful with 6 IUI treatments, break that down per IUI and it's too small to repeat so you'll have to do the math.  Point being I just wanted to start making our way toward that 50%, I wanted to have the first one attempted so we could be closer to the possibility of a success.  So I cried, a lot.

So that was it, I had missed my peak day and since I really didn't know when it was I couldn't even predict when I would start my next cycle......I would just have to wait it out, something I am getting a little tired of doing.

So remember the second round of antibiotics? Left me with a horrid yeast infection! Any women who has a yeast infection knows they are miserable! I had only had 2 other one previously, both a result of antibiotics (next time I'll just die on the couch) well this one was the Queen B of all yeast infections and made me want to amputate my body from the waist down. 

This is when I started to realize I was losing my own identity to my vagina, she just couldn't stand for it to not be all about her (of course it's a her, and no I haven't named her because she doesn't deserve a name!)

So as the horror of the yeast infection faded the anxiety of when to expect my cycle started.  Then the spotting.....you want to make a women trying to get pregnant crazy?? Mess with her cycle! So of course the questions started.....is it implantation spotting? Could I be pregnant? Is it my period playing tricks with my mind? I'll save you the suspense....after peeing on anything resembling a pregnancy test and 2 days of every so lightly spotting, my lovely period is here to stay and I am NOT with child once again.

So after all that some good news is in order right? 
The good news is that my husband is wonderful and surprised me with a getaway this weekend. Men don't always do or say the right things, my husband is regularly a prime example of that. It's the times that he does things like, send me a cute invitation over email inviting me to a weekend away with the link to the hotel reservations that I remember how much I love him and how he has the amazing ability to make everything better at times.  Wow that is a little sappy and annoying isn't it?  .......So true though. He's one of the biggest reasons why I want to get pregnant so much in the first place, I don't want him deprived of being the amazing dad I know he will be.

Like a chicken!

Well I had my ultrasound on Tuesday and it would appear I have 3 follicles (little immature baby eggs) that are progressing very nicely and 1 that was much smaller and not likely to mature....but 3 are growing great!  I'm feeling kinda like a chicken with my little trio of eggs! .....a happy chicken!  So now I am just patiently awaiting my peak day so I can call and schedule my IUI. I am guessing my peak day will occur between today and Sunday since that is when it would normally be, however since this is my first month on Clomid it's possible it could effect my cycle.

Stay posted!  .........And until then I'll be busy laying eggs! :-)

Hot flashes and Mentho-lyptus!

Yep that pretty much sums up my life right now.

The night before we left for Vegas I started to get a chest cold......well apparently this little virus of mine has decided it's quite comfortable in my chest and at this point has worn out it's welcome! The constant coughing is driving me a little crazy and making it hard to sleep without taking a hefty dose of NyQuil.  So off to the doctor I finally went yesterday to get a little help in getting rid of whatever it is I have. I was put on a lovely 10 day course of Amoxicillin and sent on my way.  So fingers crossed that I am in recovery because at this point I think my pores my be excreting Mentho-lyptus from the ridiculous amount of Halls I've consumed in the last 2 weeks!

Today also marks day 3 of Clomid. I have to say that I was pretty nervous to start the Clomid after my doctor warned me it can cause "menopausal type" symptoms.....including acting crazy (which was the words he actually used).  Well anyone that knows me, knows I am already a emotional being....I really can't help it.  So the idea of starting Clomid had me in a bit of a panic.  I can honestly say though that I have not noticed any changes in the emotional department.....and no one else has either.  Hopefully that will continue.  I also wasn't having any hot flashes that they talk about.......WASN'T....until today that is. In the middle of lunch with my co-workers I suddenly felt like someone had blasted the heat on me and felt my entire body temperature rise in seconds....ugggghh not fun! It didn't last for too long so it was bearable but I sure hope that doesn't happen too often because it makes it rather hard to concentrate on anything other than the fact you suddenly want to rip all your clothes off....which can be a tad inappropriate in the workplace.

So 2 more days of Clomid and 8 more days of Amoxicillin. I'll be glad to stop toting around pill bottles in my purse. My ultrasound is scheduled for day 12 of my cycle and I guess that's when we'll see how my eggs I have ready to release and a few days later we should be doing IUI.

Status update

So back from Vegas and it was a success.  I found my perfect dress after 2 days of shopping (which my hubby so graciously tagged along with me for....he's a keeper!). It was way over budget and took longer to find then I expected but I loved it.

My brother-in-law was very happy and surprised to see us so that made the trip all worth it.  He brought with him a posse of 20......wow this group make me feel old! We had a amazing time but I was glad the trip was only 2 nights because I'm sure I wouldn't had made it to night 3....I would have been found in a ditch nearby, broke, and dead of exhaustion or liver failure. I have no idea what I thought we were getting into on this trip but I sure wasn't expecting quite the lifestyle we lived for 2 days.  When we used to go out on a regular basis (which wasn't THAT long ago....I mean we're only talking a couple years, I'm only 27!!) our idea of a extravagant night was getting a room and going downtown to dance and drink until 2am when the clubs closed and the cab took us back to the room. Well this group felt that we needed to make a celebrity entrance with VIP and bottle service everywhere. I tried to play it off and maintain a facial expression that said:

"Well ya of course I go VIP wherever I go, ya you're right $2,000 is a GREAT deal for a table, and we're taking a limo from here right? because cabs are just ....well trashy" 

I'm pretty sure I wasn't fooling anyone. Remember that "amazing" dress I "loved" and paid way too much for after searching for 2 days??  Well lets just say it wasn't short enough and my heels weren't tall enough for me to not feel like I just showed up at "pajama" party meant for sexy lingerie in long johns....get my point here? 

We really did have a great time though, the weather was nice and warm and I even got a little pink from the sun being on my shoulders, the hubby and me spent some nice time together site seeing and went out for a great dinner. It was a lot of fun and it was really great to see my brother-in-law, I know we would have regretted it if we hadn't gone. so the trip was a success!

So here we are back home, back to reality.....ahhhhh reality never felt so good!

Well as in the tradition of my ever changing life.......we have another change.  The hubby is now going to be stationed in Everett and will NOT be deploying until late 2012.  This is news as of this morning, good news because he will be stationed closer to home.  So operation baby making is underway and in full swing.  I expect my "monthly gift" either tonight or tomorrow, then I have my prescription for Clomid for days 5-9 (yep I don't waste any time....I called and updated my RE about the change in plans first thing), after that is a ultrasound on day 12 and then IUI on ovulation day....which should be between 13-16 since Clomid can change your cycle slightly.

Fingers crossed!!

Viva Las Vegas!!

So we're headed to Vegas next weekend!! My brother-in-law is in the Army and home from Afghanistan for a few weeks and is going to Vegas for the weekend for his birthday.  We have been wanting to see him but had decided we just couldn't afford it......with the cost of fertility treatment, and before we knew what our financial future held (would my husband be employed?!?, would we lose our house?!?!). Well now we at least know our future is financially secure, and don't get me wrong we don't have a ton of money but the truth is we do have the money for a weekend trip to see my brother-in-law. I know my husband really wants to see him and so do I.  Since we had originally thought we wouldn't be able to meet him in Vegas and told him we couldn't, we have decided to maintain that story and make our appearance in Vegas a surprise. My husband is a horrible liar so we'll see if our surprise is still a surprise by next weekend but hopefully we can pull it off. 
The initial thought when we suddenly decided to go to Vegas was excitement! How fun! A last minute trip to Vegas with my hubby, we'll have a blast!!  It may the last big trip for quite some time if I get pregnant before my husband leaves so lets live it up!!!!

WAIT! *cue the sound of screeching brakes* 

Ummm.....we are going to Vegas with 22-23 year olds?.....to drink?.......and go to clubs??
Hummmm..... I am not 23, I am 27 and married and trying to have a baby and although 22 was only 5 years ago it feels more like 10, I get a hangover after more than 2 glasses of wine, I start mimicking someone with narcolepsy after 10pm, and I have absolutely nothing to wear for "going out" in Vegas nor do I feel confident in dressing to "go out" with my current body. 

I am still excited and I know it will be  a lot fun but Vegas is so far out of my current element that it is a little intimidating.  The cure? Shopping of course.

The agenda for my weekend is to find a suit of armour that is disguised as a new little black dress, one that will make me feel confident, skinny and shield me from hangovers...... that's all I need...that and a spray tan!!

Great things to come!!

I'll admit I can sometimes seem to find the possible down side of everything. It's not really that i am a negative person, although I think that is what people sometimes mistake it for. Really it's more that I don't handle surprise well, or disappointment......haha ya I'm a tad emotionally high maintenance! Anyway I figure if I think of all the things that could go wrong and verbalize them, if it ends up happening I won't be surprised and I can say "well I knew that COULD happen". It's easier for me that way, don't get me wrong I think of all the wonderful things that as possible too and I am hoping for that all the time but I have to keep myself from investing too much in that or the let down for me is difficult. I suppose it's a defense mechanism.
Where am I going with this right?!?!
Okay so with this whole, husband leaving for 6 months, trying to get pregnant, trying to lose weight (a whole other HUGE....literally....topic), I needed something to take all the pressure off, something to look forward to. I wanted a situation that I could look at from either way and the outcome was a positive one, no negatives.
So I have a plan. Yep, yet another plan in the works. We have decided, after getting the green light to proceed with IUI, that we are going to do 3 IUI's before the hubby leaves. One in April, May & June, we will wait until April so that my due date can be after he comes home (April will be cutting it close!). If I end up pregnant, WONDERFUL, AMAZING, FANTASTIC!! It will keep my mind somewhat preoccupied with my hubby being gone and give me something to focus on (which is very important) and we will be so so happy. I will keep amazing track of the pregnancy so that my husband can be involved with every step, recording ultrasounds, belly pics along the way. It will a wonderful happy time.
If I do not become pregnant then we are planning a WONDERFUL, AMAZING, FANTASTIC trip to Hawaii, we're going to stay on the beach, drink Mai Tai's, sex on the beach (ya I'll sure we'll have the drink also), swim in the ocean, go to a luau, do all the amazing site seeing, and I'm going to shop for a new Hawaii wardrobe. And I will have 6 months to perfect a great beach body to take along also. And when we get back from paradise we'll either do 3 more IUI's then IVF or just jump to IVF, whatever we feel comfortable with.
So in the meantime I have until approximately April 22nd until my first IUI, that is 66 days away and the truth is that I need to get my body in better shape to carry a baby. In a perfect world I should lose about 30 pounds but I know that's unrealistic in 66 days. So I AM going to lose at least 15 lbs by April 22nd, that will put me at a MUCH healthier weight. And it's a realistic goal, 1.6 pounds a week. I CAN do that, I just have to try. I'm not waiting until tomorrow, or Monday, I'm starting today.
It's a beautiful day and I think I'm going to go have some breakfast, take my dog and a walk while listening to my ipod and day dreaming about morning sickness and Hawaii beaches.

The results are in...

So we got the results from the sperm count today......my hubby wanted to be the one to call and get them. We have been cleared to start IUI!!! Since my husband was the one to get the results he didn't bother to get the actual numbers.....aggghhh MEN, no attention to detail!! But the important thing is we have a chance at getting pregnant without spending thousands and thousands! My fingers are crossed!

2 steps forward.....10 steps back.

Well it's just like life to wait until you have come to terms with one thing and then it throws you another challenge.......

Challenge......that is one thing I'm becoming familiar with.  So where to start? Well first of all my wishing and hoping to by some miracle to be one of those women who become pregnant miraculously just as they are about to start fertility treatment....ya that wasn't me.  I might be upset by that except it appears to be a blessing in disguise.

So my husband is currently in the military, he has been a recruiter (which has kept him home!!) for the last 3 years of his 10 years in. Our plan was for him to be getting out in July and getting onto the police department.....we have been wanting to start a family and he was done having to leave (and so was I!!) Well it appears that this economy has everyone under the sun trying to get hired onto the police department.  And I do mean everyone.....so there we were a few months back proudly telling everyone our "plan" at a family gathering and turns out my cousin had also applied to all the agencies my hubby had.....not to mention the room full of people he shared the testing room with....90% former military.  So after many tears, heated discussions & anxious months later we have made the decision for him to re-enlist.  It's the right choice for us, we both know that, but it didn't make the decision any easier.  Re-enlisting means going back on a carrier, going back on a carrier means leaving for 6 months...leaving for 6 months means a significant road block in our baby making not to mention how much I'll miss him! It has a lot of positives though as well, like our amazing benefits we receive, medical (although nothing for fertility treatments), dental, discounts on a ton of other things, not mention retirement, stable future and college money for our children (some day it just has to happen!) And we are lucky enough to have a marriage strong enough to make it through the tough times. So I'm trying to stay positive and be a big girl about the whole thing, I'm trying to keep my emotions in check and think of all the positive things about the choice we've made, for my husbands sanity and my own. So at this point it looks like hubby is set to be stationed in Bremerton (because the ship in Everett is full...bummer!!) and he will be leaving for a 6 month deployment this July (coming home in Jan 2012).  I have mixed feelings about that,  part of me can't believe we just made the decision and now he will be leaving so soon and part of me is glad it's soon because that means it will be over soon and it gives me less time to dwell on him leaving.

So what does that do for our fertility plan?? Well that is most definitely the question at hand.  We are still waiting for the results of the sperm analysis which I should know either today or Monday. Then we will know if we are going to be doing IUI or IVF.  If the decision is IUI then I believe we have decided to start in April instead of this month because I want to make sure i would be due after he arrives home, we would have about 3 attempts IUI before he leaves and if they work I would be due anywhere from mid-January to mid-March. I think I would be a little nervous about my due date being mid-January because he potentially not make it home in time since we don't know exactly what date he would be getting home yet. In a perfect world being due in March would be perfect! Yes he would miss the beginning of my pregnancy but he would have time to experience the last 3 months of it before the baby came.....which is when it is most exciting for the men usually anyway right? I mean they can actually feel the kicks and stuff at that time and it involves them a little more.  Ummm listen to me though!! I must be insane for even entertaining the idea that we could somehow suddenly plan when we become pregnant! One can still hope though right?

So things are just a tad up in the air right now and just when I thought we had a plan in place we have to readjust our way of thinking again.  The pressure is on for everything to fall into place but I honestly believe that sooner or later things have to work out for us and maybe it will be our time soon. 
I am anxiously optimistic!